Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth

Easter weekend was really sort of nice, except for the part where Neville was sick almost the entire time. But Mum, bless her soul, made soup for me to bring to him, on TOP of the roast lamb and everything that went with it. And I made bread, because bread is good.

I'm going to hide the eggs for him later this week, so he won't miss out on that. He also may get a belated visit from the Easter Bunny.

So, once you're charged with assault after a not-really-a-pub-brawl, that means you've made it in Quidditch, right? In that case, I have officially made it... about five years too late. Great.

Anyway, yes, I have been officially charged with assault following a small fight I got into on St Patrick's Day. Or it was perhaps the 18th, I'm a little fuzzy on the exact date.

[Warded to Neville]

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry, because this will undoubtedly come back to haunt you, that your girlfriend is an unstable, crazy bint. I've had a talking-to from McGonagall, and have been warned that another event like this one, and I will be without a job. So, I'll be good from now on. I promise. I really, really promise.

In my defence, however, I will point out that the bastard was baiting me and taking advantage of my inebriated state to rile me up. I wish I hadn't decked him, though.

[end ward]

It's becoming increasingly clear that I am not made out to be a teacher. I don't know what it is that I'm intended to do -- besides excel at research, which I can honestly say I do miss -- but it is definitely not molding minds.

Unless I'm molding them into something slightly disturbed. But I digress.

Rather than mark essays, I'm going to do this completely ridiculous extremely interesting questionnaire that Meg posted earlier today.

What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius
What kind of music do you enjoy listening to? Rock. The harder and the louder, the better.
Do you like sports? Quidditch.
What are two of your favourite foods? Coffee and chocolate.
Do you have any pets? Two cats, Caligula and Arugula
Do you believe in Divination? Sometimes. Right now? Yes.
What was your best subject in school? Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, Astrology, Potions, Charms, Transfiguration... etc? I'm fucking brilliant, all right?
Your worst subject in school? Oh, hell. Herbology was the class I got the worst marks in, but they were still good marks.
What is your favourite season? Quidditch.
Are you scared of spiders? Psh. No.
What time do you usually go to bed? Ideally, ten p.m. Usually midnight.
Do you miss anyone at the moment? Yes.
Last time you took a bubble bath? Last weekend.
What is one thing you want to accomplish this year? I don't know. I just want to end the year as happy or happier than I am now.
What is your favourite holiday? Christmas. I like giving presents.
Do you have any allergies? teaching.
What is the last book you read? Something about astrophysics none of you would understand, and the astrology text I teach from.
Have you ever been in love? I have. I am.
Do you believe in love at first sight? No, I think that love grows.
Do you believe in soul mates? I think so.
What was your last injury and how did it happen? I stubbed my toe on the leg of Neville's bed the other night. I thought I had broken it, but after careful inspection by said Neville, he determined that it wasn't broken, merely ticklish.
If you could have one superhero ability, what would it be? I would be able to fly without using a broom.
Do you hate anyone? Probably not.
Are you angry with anyone at the moment? Yes.
Is there something else you should be doing right now? Undoubtedly.
Who is the next person you are going to see? Probably Neville.

[Warded Private]

So. This stupid astrology book told me that Sagittariuses and Leos are extremely compatible. That's good. That's REALLY good. I mean, it's good that Neville and I are compatible, because we are. It's just that reading "marriage is likely to succeed" just really threw me off. I'm fairly certain that I don't want to get married again. But Neville. I think that he does want marriage. And I don't want to hurt him. Because I care about him. I care about him so much that the idea of hurting him takes my breath away, it hurts me so much.

I suppose this is a conversation we'll have to have at some point. Just not soon, because we're so new, and I'm just divorced and the thought of it scares me to death.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish that it had been Neville that I fell in love with at university. And I wish that it had been Neville that I married the first time, because I think that it would have -- and will, maybe -- worked with him.

[end ward]

I am a Domestic Goddess.

So, while I'm not still drunk today, I WAS yesterday. I cooked in that condition, and had even more wine with my Mum. The result is, as of lunchtime when I flooed Mum instead of eating, that we are both hungover today. Thank Merlin I'm in the Astronomy Tower, so the air is fairly clear and clean and bracing.

There's nothing like getting pissed with your Mum to celebrate her being a mum. Now you all know where I get it.

So, Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, a day late. I hope your children let you do whatever you wanted, and that you invited them to participate, especially if wine was involved. And bonding with your children.

[warded private]

It's over. Finally. Officially. I feel like I can finally move on with my life. It's done, I can breathe and I feel like I can stop boring myself and anyone who reads my journal when I write about this publicly. Anyway, I'm officially just Amanda Brocklehurst now, not connected to anyone else except by what links I choose to forge.

It is a curiously heady and frightening feeling.

[end ward]

I wish the happiest of birthdays to Lisa Turpin, crazy bint that she is.

Right, so, extending the network a bit. Ron Weasley's set up a pub crawl on Saturday the 17th. I'm going. Who's going to join the crowd? It seems like it's going to be a fun group.

[warded to friends]

Thursday is the big day. I'll be out of the country from Wednesday until Friday; I feel like I sort of need the extended trip so I'm traveling as a Muggle. From London, at least. I'll be flying over on Friday afternoon, spending the night at a hotel, attending court the next day, and the flying back on Friday afternoon.

This is going to be my real goodbye to Switzerland. I don't think I really want to see it for awhile after this. It was my home for so long, and I've so many happy memories that they hurt now that the time has come to say goodbye. Perhaps this summer I'll take a trip somewhere else. I've never been to Brazil, for instance, or China. Either would be amazing to visit, although for different reasons. Honestly, who wouldn't be tempted by nude beaches and golden bodies?

Actually, I've just made up my mind. This summer, I'm going to spend some time in Rio de Janeiro.

I'm not even going to mention the match on Saturday. It was ridiculous and right now, I am ashamed to be a Puddlemere supporter. I've never thought that in my entire life I would say that, but there we are. Did the team just magically forget how to play Quidditch? Have they all been abducted by aliens or Muggles and replaced with people who look, act, and speak like the members of the team, but just have somehow managed to not be able to play at all?

Well, that went well. Good Merlin.

I don't know if this school year will ever end.

[warded to friends]

I had a letter in the post today, informing me that I've got a date in the Swedish court for the official dissolving of my marriage. Or whatever the terminology is. Anyway, it's on 15 March. I don't really know how I feel about it, really.

Dear God, yesterday was a nightmare. Most of the day and half of the evening was spent looking for that bloody idiot child the little boy who let all of the animals loose at the pet shop. Or at least tried. He was not successful, and everyone is safely at home. I hope someone was rightfully punished.

ooc: added about an hour later

And don't even get me STARTED on the TRAVESTY that was the fucking Puddlemere/Magpies match. My God. I can't even BEGIN to put my disappointment into words.

1. Wine is a good, blessed thing.
32. I miss Quidditch a whole fucking bunch. It's like a piece of my soul is missing. Or my knee. Probably both.
3. I think I had a three, but I can't remember, and this wine is REALLY GOOD at getting the taste of parsley tea out of my mouth.
4. I just remembered number four! I'm not pregnant! Crisis was averted and there will be no miniature Amanda Brocklehursts running about. You should all thank your lucky stars for this, because as a child I was an absolute holy terror. I would hate to inflict that one the rest of you. And myself.

Hermione, I ate the flamingo you sent me. It was good. Thank you.

Well, in between breakfast and my first class of the day, I managed to get caught between two dueling students.

They both have detention (with me) for Friday evening, and I have a chin that is three sizes too big. And Madame Pomfrey is having trouble getting it shrunk back, so she is referring me to the clinic in Hogsmeade. And if they can't help me, I go to St. Mungo's.

Happy Effing Wednesday. I fucking hate my job.

[warded private]
It's over. As of 9 March, I will officially be single again. The divorce will be final. I'll go to Zurich, we'll have a hearing with a judge, and then we'll sign papers, and we'll be done. I'll wake up a married woman, and later that day I'll go to sleep a divorced one.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I still think I'm pregnant. I keep putting off taking a test, or going to see a Healer, but I keep hoping that the next time I go to the loo, I'll have absolute proof that I'm not and there won't be any need. But I keep going, and going, and going, and what if that last time, there was an accident, and now despite not being married, Henrik and I will still be connected?

Unless I don't tell him. It's still early enough that if I'm pregnant I can abort it. I hope. Oh, God. Oh GOD.

[end ward]

[warded to Lisa, Padma, Hermione and Sofi]

The divorce will be final on the 9th of March.

I think I'm pregnant.

Will one of you -- all of you? -- go with me to the clinic this week and hold my hand? I don't think I can do this by myself.

[end ward]

I am finally feeling somewhere near human again. It's a wonderful feeling. And it will allow me to have a relaxing weekend before I return to teaching on Tuesday.

[warded to Neville]

I feel like I'm the worst sort of friend. How did the auction go? Did you have a nice date? Who won you?

Do you want to have dinner tomorrow? I feel the need to get out and I feel like having a bloke on my arm when I do it.

[end ward]

[warded to Ravenclaw Girls of 1998]

I feel like I need a girls night. Please?

[end ward]

My classes have been canceled through Wednesday, to give me time to recuperate. There are also so many students sick now that it seems that the entire hospital wing is filled.

I'm also hearing that if the amount of students ill continues, classes might just be canceled for the entire week. I don't know how well that would work, though, with everyone still there, breathing the same air and sharing germs.

I overslept this morning. And when I woke up, my throat felt horrible and my head even worse. I've had tea, I've had Pepper Up, and even a bit of soup.

I feel like death.

Is anyone else going to see the WADA Players tomorrow night or Saturday? Pomona and Poppy went the other night and said that they were really excellent. Hermione? Neville? Harry? Ron? Terry? Sofi?

Oh, my God. Most of my friends are BOYS. None of you have cooties, right?

[Warded Private]

I guess that until Monday night, I was holding out hope that Henrik would change his mind. And I think I realised then that he wouldn't. And I made a decision that I'm not particularly proud of, but I'd make it again. I would sleep with Neville again, and I probably will.

You forget about things like being held and touching and really being around someone, and then you have it again, even for a night, and it's all you think about, just the next time when you will be held.

And, I will admit to anyone who asks, the sex was good. Not great -- we were drunk -- but it was good.

My marriage is over. In a few weeks or a month, it will be official, and legal. But right now, my marriage is over.

I think I'm pregnant.

[end ward]

Well, the day after the hangover isn't so bad.

[strongly warded to Eddie Carmichael and Hermione Granger]

You know how sometimes, something happens and you are quiet about it and then suddenly you can't hold it in any longer and you tell it to the first person you think of?

I just told Neville about my divorce, and now, because you are my friends, I need to tell you, too. I just can't do it to your face because I'm a coward.

It wasn't Henrik's fault. It was mine, entirely. I lied to him, for the whole time we were together. I never once told him that I'm a witch. He didn't know until a few days before Christmas, when we had an argument and I lost my temper and the lightbulbs in the lamp exploded. So I had to tell him everything then, and he couldn't take it. He didn't care that I am magical. I lied to him, and that is why we are divorced.

[Hermione]

So. How was Saturday? Did he appreciate how fabulous you looked? Did he kiss you?

[end ward]

Okay, first week on my own with the students. Wish me luck.

I'm all settled in now, in my little house. It's actually quite cosy and the cats like it, especially the sun room that was built off the back a few years ago. It gets warm in there on sunny days, and there's no magic needed.

Today I started at Hogwarts; I'm sort of shadowing Sinistra this week, getting to know her routine and where she is in lessons. The first years are SMALL and obnoxious, and I'm told that the NEWT level classes are a lot of fun.

[Warded Private]
I miss Henrik. We spoke briefly the other day, said a few things that needed to be said. I had thought that there might be a chance... But I know better. I didn't just bruise his trust, I shattered it. I kept from him one a big part of myself, and each lie I told built on others and we're not fixable. I broke my own heart.

But I'm okay. Or, rather, I will be. I'm not used to this sort of depression. Even after the war, I seemed to snap out of it rather quickly. But I invested so much into this particular lie that I find myself starting over.

And, Lord, I'm so damnably maudlin that it's sickening. I feel all I ever do is sit here and feel sorry for myself. Perhaps I'll stay after classes are done and have tea with Professor Flitwick. He's told me to call him Filius, but that seems like such a sacrilege. He was always ready to listen when I was a student, and I think that now will be no different.
[end ward]

[warded to Terry Boot]
You're a Healer. And I need to ask you something that might seem a little odd. But are there any sort of potions, Muggle or Magical, that I can take to sort of feel like myself again?

It's just that this divorce thing is harder than I thought and I feel like I'm drowning in sadness and I want to stop.
[end ward]

I would like to apologise to the couple I inadvertantly Flooed in on last night. I understand that was a private moment, but really, it was out of my control. It's not my fault that the Ministry had yet to change over their supply of Floor Powder.

I also didn't know that such positions were possible WITHOUT using Magic. Merlin.

Anyway, I look at a house in Hogsmeade today. Except I'm not certain if I do, because of the snowstorm. I haven't been contacted. Nice.

Good God, I'm starting to bore myself with all of this. I look and feel terrible. Just a few more days here and I'll be home.

Damn, I miss flying.

And so the dismantling of my life truly begins. Yesterday and today Henrik and I went through four years of accumulated stuff and tried to divide it. He doesn't cook, I do. I got the dishes and the pots and pans and kitchen appliances. He got the lovely, heavy bookshelves in the living room. I couldn't argue with that; I had given them to him as a gift. We went through it all, room by room, making a list of who got what.

He wants nothing to do with the wedding photos, so I get them. He wants the painting in the bedroom that Audrey painted for us last year, as a Christmas gift. He'll take the Christmas decorations - most of them were "loaned" to us by his mother.

My life has fallen apart. And it's my fault.